smile gently

i have always wanted to be a part of something that is so much greater than myself. sometimes, i feel that way when i go on a long walk, not in suburbia which was birthed right after world war ii, but in nature and away from every distraction in life. i miss going on walks. i miss breathing deeply and walking easily and smiling gently. i long for that feeling of being so small and utterly insignificant in the grander scheme of all that is before me. i wonder about the parallels which may be drawn when considering capitalism - if by falling into place in society, we become something small and dispensable. to have my life become meaningless seems so debilitating. there has to be something that sets apart entering into something that is lifegiving- to Run away from the Machine. to run away from assembly lines and doing what i'm supposed to, to escaping from deadlines and the race to efficiency, to fleeing from the endless lust for acquisition.. and to just be small in a very beautiful way. in a way where my role is teeny tiny, but is part of the grandiosity of creation. i think i would like that: ) maybe i am still too innocent, but maybe that's how life was meant to get through..
please, breathe deeply with me. let's stop marching to the beat everyone else drums along to. and let's walk our own pace. let's smile gently and let our laughter fill the symphony that sings around us. let's be part of this greatness that exists in everything that is Good.

your love never fails

nothing can separate, even when i ran away-
your love never fails...
i know i still make mistakes, but,
you have new mercies for me everyday,
your love never fails.

you stay the same through the ages,
your love never changes.
there may be pain in the night,
but joy comes in the morning.
and when the oceans rage,
i don't have to be afraid,
cause i know that you love me,
your love never fails..

i search within me. oh, soul, tell me, what do you find? take my hand, let us wade through the waters of murky yesterday. together, we shall find what we search for. uncertain footing, step firmly- wait! can we make it? i stepped in seaweed. i started to slip. have no fear, little one, for your hand is in Mine. you won't fall into the despair of the whelming sea. close your eyes! when you cannot see with your eyes, it is then that your sight will be true. only then will you know that i am your guide. and together, we'll wade through these waters. the murky waters of yesterday, the ocean depths of tomorrow, and the shallow streams of today. hand in hand, we're gonna make it.
i know that your love never fails. that's the treasure i've found in this journey. you make all things work together for my good. i know that you love me. and this is my shout unto you.

safe in hell

i think i have made a self-discovery tonight. i am hurt. i am angry. which one comes first, i wonder? or perhaps, the two go hand-in-hand. the truth is, when we get really angry about something, it is because something within us feels violated... whether it be an expectation, an understanding or perception, a truth that has been made the opposite of absolute.
anger is the harvest from the seed of hurt.
bitterness is the fruit of the reaping of this violation.
so, as i sit in the stillness of my bitterness, anger, and the numbing ache that is my heart, i wonder what is the cause of it all. who am i truly angry at? the one who hurt me? yet, i find myself lacking the ability to describe the ways in which i was wronged, the ways in which my expectations were violated. and as i sit still a little while longer, i realize who i really am angry at.
my anger is towards the one in the shattered reflection; she is the face of brokenness and all that remains are the shards of what she used to be. and i think i'm angry at her for getting hurt in the first place, for being vulnerable, for trusting and for hoping.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries...lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers of love is hell."
-C.S. Lewis


may we have the courage to be vulnerable, to possibly break, and to love deeply. and, may we forgive ourselves when we have made a mess of our lives in our attempts to give our hearts away... for, who wants to be safe, if the only place we are truly safe, is in hell...

a big mess

my thoughts are all tied together, like knots, the strands intertwine themselves so that from afar, my mind appears to be one huge mess. please, untie me, and understand what it is that i can't really understand. do you know what i'm trying to say, because i'm not sure if i do- but, maybe, you'll hear what it is that i'm not saying. and maybe, you will understand me when i feel really alone. maybe you will see me when i feel invisible. and well, i'm not sure i should even say this, because i could be reaching for the stars here, but maybe (it's okay if it's just maybe), maybe you'll really like what you see in me?
it's a little terrifying to open the flaps of my soul and let you peek in. do you know what it's like to open yourself to someone and see in their eyes that you weren't what they thought you were- what they hoped for- what they wanted, and they have to smile and say "thank you" all the same. you can't fool me. i know what you think and i feel what you don't show. i hear all that is unspoken. and if you think my interpretations are wrong, then why is it that you won't correct me? is it because it's not worth it? maybe we're all fine with whatever others think of us. maybe it doesn't matter what they say, what they believe, what they perceive.. maybe it shouldn't matter. but it matters to me, because somehow, i still find myself believing that i have something to give and maybe what you lack, you may find in me. and maybe what i lack, you may point me to the source of all good things. and just maybe, you might find a friend in me.

and miracle of miracles, maybe i will find a friend in you.

ramblings as my battery dies

i don't have much time. the little tank of gas icon on the right hand corner of my computer screen tells me that i only have 36 minutes left before it starts blinking at me, then rudely shuts down. it doesn't matter if i'm working on a research paper. the computer doesn't care that i'm listening to a good song, or reading a very encouraging email, or chatting online with someone who means more than life to me. what little control i have. but not just with this twelve inch screened hot little machine operating on my lap.. it's beginning to burn. i do not have control over the weather. one thing that always makes me nervous: outdoor weddings. maybe it's because i often play at outdoor weddings-- what happens if it rains? or if it's windy and my music blows away-- i can picture it now: you may now kiss the bride, now i'm supposed to cue in the quartet: play hornpipe!! c'mon, they're kissing, start playing.. oh! and there goes my music. of course. maybe i get nervous because so many of my friends are photographers. what happens if it's your special day, and then all you can see on the most important day, is gray gloomy clouds.. what happens then?
i wish i could play the piano. not like a concerto. not even something impressive or grandiose. just simple. a sweet melody. not redundant or juvenile of course. it needs to be at least a level where i won't annoy myself with the simplicity of it all. but a simplicity that comes from a heart that is earnest and determined to grow beauty. that my heart would burst and overflow. that from this flood would come a string of melodies. come play the strings of my heart God. i want to play the strings of Your heart. to have our hearts be one- i want to begin this journey of knowing You, the way You know me. intimately, deeply, gently, passionately.
have you ever seen a couple in love? there is an intensity. a purposefulness and a strength and a deep connection. an understanding, a comfort, an embrace between hearts and souls. and yet, there is a peace about them. and you can feel it. i long for that. to know the thoughts of my Maker, my Love. to move and walk and breathe. and for that peace to surround me. to be naked and not feel shame. to look into the eyes of the One who loves me. not because of who i am, or because somehow, i've managed to outweigh the bad with the good.. not because of really anything about me at all. i suppose i am loved, simply because i am..

what does that even mean-- can i even grasp it?

I AM...

i'm trembling. before the great i am.

a tiny hole

"we learned this from the indians," she said. to lift up a flap at the top of the tent, so the smoke from the fire would have a place to escape. so we wouldn't be stuck inside, trapped in with all our smoke. with black air, gray clouds, choking us, trapping us.

here i am, in my little room, surrounded by clutter. the clothes that are bursting out of bags, containers, and my closet. shoes that are falling off shelves. cds hidden in every nook and cranny. pictures. memories. dying roses and broken drum sticks. paintings. and my God, what else is in here! everything. from my world in santa barbara. to my life back home. and of course, let us not neglect to mention the added surprises which are always popping into my room, every time i come home. this is the overflow room, where everything that does not really fit anywhere else gets placed. and i live here.

what do i do with the fire raging inside of me? my dreams, my HOPE, my plans, my wishes, my heart. my skin is beginning to blister, eyes stream with tears, choking from being trapped in clouds of dust and thick vapors. just now, i remember, i can lift the flap of this little tent. there will be a way out.. out reaching to the sky, and all of the world. my dreams won't stay trapped in here. i just need to make a tiny hole.

you're not alone

I search for love
When the night came and it closed in
I was alone
but you found me where I was hiding
and now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name
saying

You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every fear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep
cause the hurt is real
and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost
With heartache your closest friend
and everyone else long gone

You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home
saying

You're not alone
for I am here
let me wipe away your every tear
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest nights
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All your life

Faithful and true... Forever
For my love will carry you....

You're not alone
for I... I am here
let me wipe away every fear...
My love I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest night
Your darkest night
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life